I’m not who I was three and a half years ago when I last posted on this blog or sent an email to my email list. I’m not who I was six years ago when I started this blog. 

Truthfully, up until recently I’d barely looked at this site. I almost lost my Mailchimp account and my existing email subscribers due to inactivity. Life hit me. Writing took a backseat as other interests and school became more important. I graduated high school. I’m in my third year of college now and suddenly I’m an adult (and my brothers and close friends would not hesitate to call me ‘old’). 

And God? Well, He’s here, of course, but looking at these posts I wrote all these years ago as I am right now feels a little hypocritical. I struggle with Bible reading in my life’s craziness and having priorities constantly fighting to the top of my mind. I don’t pray as I ought. Until recently, I felt apathetic to it all more often than not. And even though I’m working on it, I often worry about my day to day life more than I think about God.

I’m a mess.

That’s not to say I’m not a Christian anymore– of course I am— I still believe it all, and deep down inside I know I want to seek him, I’m just… not enough.

But I wasn’t enough back then, either. 

Yeah, maybe I had more free time, maybe I was a little more passionate, maybe I was in a better place in my spiritual disciplines than I am right now. But maybe I was also a little naive. 

Maybe I didn’t realize it’s not always so easy. 

And who am I kidding? I’m still naive. I still have so much life to live. So much to learn. So much to struggle through and grow from.

Though, sitting here, 20 years old, I’m just a little proud of 14-15 year old me. She had such a fire in her heart for God and the time and energy to use her passions for His glory. And I know that fire is still in me, somewhere.

Yet she wasn’t enough then. I’m not enough now. And I never will be.

But that’s the whole point, isn’t it?

The Gospel doesn’t say to have it all together. The Gospel doesn’t say “believe in Jesus and have a perfect Bible reading plan.” The Gospel doesn’t say “believe in Jesus and have perfect prayer habits.” The Gospel doesn’t say “believe in Jesus and follow me perfectly.”

The Gospel just says believe in Jesus.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

John 3:16

And that’s it.

Yes, we should try to follow Him, because we love Him (John 14). We should try to improve ourselves. We should want to love God more and seek to glorify Him in our actions. 

But we’ll always mess up and we’ll never be perfect.

And God will catch us every time. 

So yeah, I’m not perfect. I’m not even in the same place I was six years ago with the start of this blog. Life comes in waves and stages and sometimes things shift and it feels like you’ve taken one step forward and two, three, five steps back.

But Jesus has me— has you— through all of it.

And so I want to confess that no, the blog posts from those years ago are not exactly where I’m at today. Sure, the Scripture still is true, but if I said I was reading the Bible daily or anything like that and was encouraging you to do the same, well… I’m working on it and God’s working on me. 

I’m no teacher. I’m no expert. I’m just a college kid (who’s really not a kid anymore but maybe wants to be, sometimes), who desperately wants to get back to her first love. 

Thank the Lord for His amazing grace.

I suppose I should explain a bit of what did inspire me to post again. And, well, it had crossed my mind last semester. I wrote a draft of this post originally a little while ago now, before my 20th birthday. 

But I ended up dismissing it again, because internally my mind said I don’t have time for this. I mean, my classes are hard, I have other things to do, people to see, internships to apply for, etc.

When I started the fall semester, actually, life got very hectic and busy. I entered into my university as a transfer student, and while that was great and I saved a ton of money going to community college for two years, I also felt a little behind and stressed out. 

I ended up deciding against joining many clubs I was interested in, and settled on two goals: 1. Survive the semester and get decent grades, and 2. Find a Christian group to get connected with.

So far, by the grace of God, I’ve managed both. But #2 was really more important, being at a big public university with so many ideas and worldviews different from mine. It was critical for my faith. And so God led me to a college church group which met at a time that somehow worked with my crazy class schedule. 

And I still marvel at this, because these people have been so kind to me. It’s difficult for me to remember a time where I really felt at home in a Christian group setting like I am with them, besides groups that were already made up of my close friends. I’m pretty introverted and it takes me time to warm up to people, so I typically didn’t reach that point with other groups.

But the teaching is so rich in Gospel truth, the community is welcoming and kind, and I have so, so much fun with them. It took a little bit of time, but I eventually broke out of my shell and opened up more and more to them. Sometimes, when my mind is wandering, I have the passing wish I had come to the university as a freshman instead of a transfer just so I could have had the chance to have four years with them. I look at this church and the larger network they’re apart of and I think, “This is the body of Christ.” 

I do think the teaching I’ve received from them and the fellowship I’ve experienced has helped inspire me to think about this blog again, in addition to other people in my life reminding me of my writing too. 

Additionally, while last semester I was more warming up to this college church and getting to know everyone, and just starting to form Bible devotion habits again, this semester I’ve leaned in even more to their groups and have even more accountability. And that’s helped me a lot, because having the guidance and accountability to focus on God again has led to me being able to think about this site and what I’m doing with it. 

The more I lean into God, His Word, the people around me, His calling for my life, the more I learn. And I feel like what I’m learning is worth writing about, with the time I have to spare. Not as a teacher— because I am far from qualified for such a role— but as a friend stumbling through life alongside whoever may read this. 

Really, I still love writing, and I still love God and am learning from Him, so why not?

So, here we are. 

On a logistical note, I can’t really tell you how consistent any of this will be. I’ll probably try to emphasize my email list, so you can subscribe to that via the form at the end of this post if you want to hear from me. But I guess this is like… a first step of faith. Or a re-step, because I did this before at 14. Wherever God takes me, I suppose. May His will be done. 

But anyway, hello again. I’m Caroline. 

And this is Live to the Lord.

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